I can't believe this country,
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
President Obama Folds to Pressure from Toupee Billionaire and Wanna-be Americans
It's Been Awhile
Truer words couldn't have been spoken....well that's a lie...truer words are out there, but I CURRENTLY don't have the time and patience to track them down for you so get over it!
This is a post that is dedicated to old and new viewers.........
I'M BAAAAAAACK!!!
This is a post that is dedicated to old and new viewers.........
I'M BAAAAAAACK!!!
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
"AM I GAY?" SELF-EXAMINATION...
GENTLEMEN, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" SELF-EXAMINATION...
1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I
said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only suks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El
Dicko and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be hard strong, black, and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there,
too.
6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major
league, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold
his beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat.
8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they Flame out too.
if you reply to this bulletin out of anger,embarassment, and strongly dissagree...yep...you guessed it...
1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I
said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only suks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El
Dicko and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be hard strong, black, and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there,
too.
6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major
league, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold
his beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat.
8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they Flame out too.
if you reply to this bulletin out of anger,embarassment, and strongly dissagree...yep...you guessed it...
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Take Notes!
REJECTION LINES BY BEEZIES!!
6. I think of you as a brother. (your just a friend and your ugly)
5. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (please your hideous)
4. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys.)
3. I've got a boyfriend. (I rather be at home on myspace then with you)
2. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)
And the Number One rejection line given by women:
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I sleep with)
this shit is so true...
>Monday, May 7, 2007
PHRASES THAT ANNOY ME!
Ever hear someone quote some hackneyed proverb or some stupid expression they read on a greeting card somewhere, which causes you to think: "man, what a stupid bitch, I would love nothing more than to bludgeon her head against the wall"? Sure, we all have. These are a collection of some of the phrases that piss me off most.
Ever hear someone say "that may or may not be the case," as if there's some hidden third possibility that we weren't aware of? Thanks for pointing out the only two possibilities in the universe shit-cock. These are the worst kind of people to talk to because they try so hard to be open-minded that it sounds like the debate in a political science class where no opinion is too stupid for the professor to consider and the same kid keeps raising his hand to tell you his dumb ideas about free market capitalism as you fantasize about repeatedly stomping his face into a jar.
This one pisses me off just thinking about it. If you slit my throat right now you'd get shot in the eye with boiling blood. Any time you say something sucks around someone who disagrees, they try to validate their taste in shitty music/movies/clothing by reminding you that you still only speak for yourself, as if their opinions are in jeopardy of being monopolized by your own. Everyone already knows it's my opinion by virtue of the fact that I said it, no need to restate the obvious you dopey twat.
Ever call someone a whore only to be countered with the bullet-proof come back: "well it takes one to know one"? You're basically saying "yes, I spread my legs for money, as do you." Good job Ms. Rotten-crotch, you've rebuked nothing. What difference does it make if the person calling you a slut is one as well? You're still a skanky bitch who charges money for hand jobs--and why the hell are you charging for a hand job anyway? Unless all your clients are paralyzed, any prostitute caught charging someone for a hand job should be sued for extortion. That's another reason prostitution should be legal: you can't really sue a prostitute for extortion if prostitution is illegal now can you wise ass?
Yeah, you're a child at heart, just as soon as children start going to work every day to rot in a cubicle for a meager pay check so they can drink their troubles away in a shitty bar for the rest of their lives. Unless you're an astronaut, secret agent, vampire hunter, or all three, you're probably a sellout; screw you. Nobody wanted to be a regional director of sales or an investment banker when they were kids. On top of that, nobody thinks you're cute or funny by stating you're a "child at heart" on your stupid online profile that you created because you're a boring middle-aged loser with sagging tits and yellow nails who survives off greasy TV dinners every night as you contemplate the exact moment your life became such a miserable shit hole. But hey, don't take my word for it. After all, passing by "Cartoon Network" as you're flipping through channels technically makes you a "child at heart."
Girls usually say this when they think they're being clever: "sorry, but you're a moron." It's a phrase derived from the expression people use when they're breaking some bad news to an old friend: "I'm sorry to say this, but the results are back and... you're an idiot." The only problem is, they never intend to say it with such eloquence, but rather, they use the phrase like it's a blunt object, hammering their square insult through your round psyche. If you think someone's an idiot, just come out and say it without these pussy apologies you dumb hag. Unless you're a character in a fighting game, have big boobs, and just won the round with a bitch slap, saying "sorry" just before you insult someone is obnoxious, cut the bullshit.
Yeah, either that or rape in a dark alley waiting to happen.
Next time you ask someone a question, look for the trademark sign of an idiot: the "hmmmmm" noise they make while they're thinking. It's especially noticeable when you go to a restaurant and the waitress asks what you want to drink; there's always some fickle fingered asshole thumbing through the menu, sounding off like a moron with "uhhhhhh...." as if the waitress is just going to walk away without taking your order if you don't give her an audible cue that you are still breathing. These are the same type of people who repeat the question you ask them to buy time when they don't know the answer, hoping you won't notice that they're stalling. You don't need to make a sound while your five good neurons crank out the next malformed sentence from your cretaceous skull, numb nuts.
Yeah? Well so are some of the worst, and I don't see anyone throwing a party when they get cancer.
If the grass is greener on theother side, then the guy with the greener grass doesn't think your grass is greener now does he, asshole? The message that this proverb is trying to stumble through is that everything always looks more attractive when you don't have it. I'm sure there are millionaires crying themselves to sleep every night because they don't live in a trailer park. Just face it: sometimes nobody envies you. There has to be a bottom and that bottom is probably you.
'May or may not be':
Ever hear someone say "that may or may not be the case," as if there's some hidden third possibility that we weren't aware of? Thanks for pointing out the only two possibilities in the universe shit-cock. These are the worst kind of people to talk to because they try so hard to be open-minded that it sounds like the debate in a political science class where no opinion is too stupid for the professor to consider and the same kid keeps raising his hand to tell you his dumb ideas about free market capitalism as you fantasize about repeatedly stomping his face into a jar.
'Well that's just your opinion':
This one pisses me off just thinking about it. If you slit my throat right now you'd get shot in the eye with boiling blood. Any time you say something sucks around someone who disagrees, they try to validate their taste in shitty music/movies/clothing by reminding you that you still only speak for yourself, as if their opinions are in jeopardy of being monopolized by your own. Everyone already knows it's my opinion by virtue of the fact that I said it, no need to restate the obvious you dopey twat.
'It takes one to know one':
Ever call someone a whore only to be countered with the bullet-proof come back: "well it takes one to know one"? You're basically saying "yes, I spread my legs for money, as do you." Good job Ms. Rotten-crotch, you've rebuked nothing. What difference does it make if the person calling you a slut is one as well? You're still a skanky bitch who charges money for hand jobs--and why the hell are you charging for a hand job anyway? Unless all your clients are paralyzed, any prostitute caught charging someone for a hand job should be sued for extortion. That's another reason prostitution should be legal: you can't really sue a prostitute for extortion if prostitution is illegal now can you wise ass?
'I'm a child at heart':
Yeah, you're a child at heart, just as soon as children start going to work every day to rot in a cubicle for a meager pay check so they can drink their troubles away in a shitty bar for the rest of their lives. Unless you're an astronaut, secret agent, vampire hunter, or all three, you're probably a sellout; screw you. Nobody wanted to be a regional director of sales or an investment banker when they were kids. On top of that, nobody thinks you're cute or funny by stating you're a "child at heart" on your stupid online profile that you created because you're a boring middle-aged loser with sagging tits and yellow nails who survives off greasy TV dinners every night as you contemplate the exact moment your life became such a miserable shit hole. But hey, don't take my word for it. After all, passing by "Cartoon Network" as you're flipping through channels technically makes you a "child at heart."
'Sorry, but (also known as "No offense, but")':
Girls usually say this when they think they're being clever: "sorry, but you're a moron." It's a phrase derived from the expression people use when they're breaking some bad news to an old friend: "I'm sorry to say this, but the results are back and... you're an idiot." The only problem is, they never intend to say it with such eloquence, but rather, they use the phrase like it's a blunt object, hammering their square insult through your round psyche. If you think someone's an idiot, just come out and say it without these pussy apologies you dumb hag. Unless you're a character in a fighting game, have big boobs, and just won the round with a bitch slap, saying "sorry" just before you insult someone is obnoxious, cut the bullshit.
'Strangers are just friends waiting to happen':
Yeah, either that or rape in a dark alley waiting to happen.
'Hmmmmm / Uhhhhh':
Next time you ask someone a question, look for the trademark sign of an idiot: the "hmmmmm" noise they make while they're thinking. It's especially noticeable when you go to a restaurant and the waitress asks what you want to drink; there's always some fickle fingered asshole thumbing through the menu, sounding off like a moron with "uhhhhhh...." as if the waitress is just going to walk away without taking your order if you don't give her an audible cue that you are still breathing. These are the same type of people who repeat the question you ask them to buy time when they don't know the answer, hoping you won't notice that they're stalling. You don't need to make a sound while your five good neurons crank out the next malformed sentence from your cretaceous skull, numb nuts.
'Some of the best things in life are free':
Yeah? Well so are some of the worst, and I don't see anyone throwing a party when they get cancer.
'The grass is always greener on the other side':
If the grass is greener on theother side, then the guy with the greener grass doesn't think your grass is greener now does he, asshole? The message that this proverb is trying to stumble through is that everything always looks more attractive when you don't have it. I'm sure there are millionaires crying themselves to sleep every night because they don't live in a trailer park. Just face it: sometimes nobody envies you. There has to be a bottom and that bottom is probably you.
I'm sure we are all guilty of using these stupid 'phrases' at one point in time, fuck it!...
Sunday, May 6, 2007
ARE YOU ADDICTED TO DRUGS?
You can make all the excuses you want: you have an addictive personality, you need to mentally escape your rough life, you’re completely and totally bored, you broke your legs and the doctor prescribed you pain killers, etc., etc., and on and on. The truth is, whatever the reason or rationale may be, you are, for better or for worse, addicted. This could be a major problem.
Doctors of many different shapes, sizes, backgrounds and ethnicities have been working for years to help people like you. Thus far, they have not succeeded. Fortunately for you, I’m here to help you overcome your addictions. I have no licenses, credentials or common sense, but that won’t stop me from helping you. It’s the way I was raised.
It’s one of the most addictive drugs in the world. People can go months without smoking cigarettes or having a chaw, then, something inside them will snap, and they go right back to puffing or gnawing away. Tobacco is so addictive that people don’t even want you to smoke it near them, lest they become instantly addicted and subsequently loosen the fuck up.
"Cocaine is the great equalizer. Whoever has it is your friend. Stay away from these friends."
If you want to learn how to quit smoking, my advice is for you to get in the right mindset. You see, to quit tobacco, one must realize that he or she is in control of his or her own destiny. One must rise up and declare to oneself that one will not be run by some stupid brown plant. One must be strong. One could also bum me a smoke… I mean, if one has an extra.
Good fucking luck.
The problem with alcohol is that it’s just too fun to quit. So it must be managed. As long as you don’t let it hurt your work or relationships, you can drink all you want. Then, though you’re still technically an alcoholic, you are now an alcoholic of the functional variety. The authorities tend to leave functional alcoholics alone because they pay their bills and don’t beat their wives. (Side note: if you find yourself beating your wife and kids, please take every opportunity to kill yourself. The world will be a better place.)
If you find that your drinking is having a negative effect on your family or career, you have two choices. You can either a) drink less or b) leave your family and job. The choice is yours. I’m trusting you to make the right one.
Shut up. You’re addicted to pot? That’s ridiculous. You can’t be addicted to pot. Dude, you just like being stoned. Addicted to pot? That’s ridiculous.
All right dude, that is just sad. If you’re really so bad that you can’t get through a day without huffing down a few Whippits, well, there’s nothing I can do to help you. Just please understand that you are not allowed near my whip cream. Freak.
Get a job, loser.
Cocaine is a tough drug. It’s expensive, it causes your heart to play bass lines from Primus songs, and it’s a surefire way to meet new friends and fuck them. It’s hard not to like, I know, but you can quit. Here’s how.
First, stop hanging out with the people you do coke with. Take a step back (metaphorically) and analyze the friendships you have with your fellow cokeheads. No doubt you’re now thinking something along the lines of, “Wow, I never hung out with convicted felons and strippers before I started doing coke.” There’s a reason for this. Cocaine is the great equalizer. Whoever has it is your friend. Stay away from these friends and the coke will be hard to find. After a few weeks, you’ll forget why you even did that crap.
Now, if you’re some yuppie who snorts coke with fellow stockbrokers and fucks chicks who dress like Jada Pinkett Smith, then keep on keeping on. As long as the bank account is okay, you probably will be, too. Don’t worry about overdosing, either. There’s a line of people in silk ties waiting to take your place. The world will be fine.
Thats just gross, I hate when I see my friends on something, and the whites of their eyes are no longer 'white', they're all piss yellow.
This is the biggie. It is impossible as hell to quit heroin when you live in a country that recognizes it as a health problem and not a crime problem. Now, if you live in America, that means that not only is it tough to quit, it’s also tough to find treatment. Fortunately for you, we’ve got lots of jail cells in the states.
If you are an American heroin addict, I recommend you move to Canada and start on the methadone treatments. And if that doesn’t work, well, at least you got the fuck out of our country. Also, if you’re a heroin addict, you may want to entertain the possibility of becoming a professional musician. Sure, you’ll only increase your odds of turning up dead in a public restroom, but hell, maybe you’ll offer the world some jamming tunes, instead of an empty, dirty palm.
Drugs and alcohol can be addictive. And as such, they must be treated with respect. In the words of my friend and neighbor, Darryl, “I don’t think the drugs are bad. What I did was bad, yes. But the drugs, they ain’t bad. I mean, once I get the drugs, I’m all right.”
And that, really and truly, is the surefire way to keep your addictions from controlling you: never run out of drugs.
No need to thank me. I do what I can.
Doctors of many different shapes, sizes, backgrounds and ethnicities have been working for years to help people like you. Thus far, they have not succeeded. Fortunately for you, I’m here to help you overcome your addictions. I have no licenses, credentials or common sense, but that won’t stop me from helping you. It’s the way I was raised.
Tobacco
It’s one of the most addictive drugs in the world. People can go months without smoking cigarettes or having a chaw, then, something inside them will snap, and they go right back to puffing or gnawing away. Tobacco is so addictive that people don’t even want you to smoke it near them, lest they become instantly addicted and subsequently loosen the fuck up.
"Cocaine is the great equalizer. Whoever has it is your friend. Stay away from these friends."
If you want to learn how to quit smoking, my advice is for you to get in the right mindset. You see, to quit tobacco, one must realize that he or she is in control of his or her own destiny. One must rise up and declare to oneself that one will not be run by some stupid brown plant. One must be strong. One could also bum me a smoke… I mean, if one has an extra.
Alcohol
Good fucking luck.
The problem with alcohol is that it’s just too fun to quit. So it must be managed. As long as you don’t let it hurt your work or relationships, you can drink all you want. Then, though you’re still technically an alcoholic, you are now an alcoholic of the functional variety. The authorities tend to leave functional alcoholics alone because they pay their bills and don’t beat their wives. (Side note: if you find yourself beating your wife and kids, please take every opportunity to kill yourself. The world will be a better place.)
If you find that your drinking is having a negative effect on your family or career, you have two choices. You can either a) drink less or b) leave your family and job. The choice is yours. I’m trusting you to make the right one.
Marijuana
Shut up. You’re addicted to pot? That’s ridiculous. You can’t be addicted to pot. Dude, you just like being stoned. Addicted to pot? That’s ridiculous.
Nitrous Oxide
All right dude, that is just sad. If you’re really so bad that you can’t get through a day without huffing down a few Whippits, well, there’s nothing I can do to help you. Just please understand that you are not allowed near my whip cream. Freak.
Pain Killers
Get a job, loser.
Cocaine
Cocaine is a tough drug. It’s expensive, it causes your heart to play bass lines from Primus songs, and it’s a surefire way to meet new friends and fuck them. It’s hard not to like, I know, but you can quit. Here’s how.
First, stop hanging out with the people you do coke with. Take a step back (metaphorically) and analyze the friendships you have with your fellow cokeheads. No doubt you’re now thinking something along the lines of, “Wow, I never hung out with convicted felons and strippers before I started doing coke.” There’s a reason for this. Cocaine is the great equalizer. Whoever has it is your friend. Stay away from these friends and the coke will be hard to find. After a few weeks, you’ll forget why you even did that crap.
Now, if you’re some yuppie who snorts coke with fellow stockbrokers and fucks chicks who dress like Jada Pinkett Smith, then keep on keeping on. As long as the bank account is okay, you probably will be, too. Don’t worry about overdosing, either. There’s a line of people in silk ties waiting to take your place. The world will be fine.
Crack
Thats just gross, I hate when I see my friends on something, and the whites of their eyes are no longer 'white', they're all piss yellow.
Heroin
This is the biggie. It is impossible as hell to quit heroin when you live in a country that recognizes it as a health problem and not a crime problem. Now, if you live in America, that means that not only is it tough to quit, it’s also tough to find treatment. Fortunately for you, we’ve got lots of jail cells in the states.
If you are an American heroin addict, I recommend you move to Canada and start on the methadone treatments. And if that doesn’t work, well, at least you got the fuck out of our country. Also, if you’re a heroin addict, you may want to entertain the possibility of becoming a professional musician. Sure, you’ll only increase your odds of turning up dead in a public restroom, but hell, maybe you’ll offer the world some jamming tunes, instead of an empty, dirty palm.
Drugs and alcohol can be addictive. And as such, they must be treated with respect. In the words of my friend and neighbor, Darryl, “I don’t think the drugs are bad. What I did was bad, yes. But the drugs, they ain’t bad. I mean, once I get the drugs, I’m all right.”
And that, really and truly, is the surefire way to keep your addictions from controlling you: never run out of drugs.
No need to thank me. I do what I can.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
when it comes to dating...read hidden signs...
The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize - and decode - these KEY "SIGNS." Figuring out these moronic little indicators can save you a lot of time and effort.
1. Woman won't unlock car door for man - Doesn't engage in oral sex
2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman - No foreplay
3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant - Prefers virgins
4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way - Is a virgin
5. Can't hail a cab - Impotent
6. Insists on going to a homely little cafe with windmill motif - Compulsive Don Quixote
7. Insists on going to a romantic candle-lit restaurant - Compulsive Don Juan
8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar - Compulsive Don Ho
9. Wants to go to a French restaurant - Will swallow
10. Wants to go to a deli - Won't swallow
11. Takes too long deciding what to order - Has trouble reaching orgasm
12. Orders salad dressing on the side - Will give you a hand job, but will not go "all the way"
13. Gives explicit orders to waiter - Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed
14. Asks for extra rolls - Will say she is using birth control when she's not, will get pregnant and sue
15. Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will have..." - Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't
16. Asks for "The Usual" - Insists on missionary position only
17. Asks what the specials are - Will want you to use handcuffs
18. Fills up on bread and crackers - Premature ejaculation
19. Doesn't finish everything on plate - Has already come
20. Insists on having some of whatever you ordered - Will make you sleep on the wet spot
21. Changes mind after ordering - Will never call you
22. Changes tables - Nymphomaniac
23. Drinks Decaffeinated. - Fakes Orgasm (Female)
24. Orders in French - Fakes Orgasm (Male)
25. Sends food back - Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, then try to borrow money
26. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts - Needs you to talk dirty during sex
27. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers - Wants a handjob
28. Orders a dessert involving nuts - Castrating Bitch
29. Wants to split dessert - Is dying to get rid of her apartment, move in with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all your baseball posters
30. Credit card is refused - Low sperm count
31. Under tips waiter - Small penis
32. Under tips parking valet - Small penis
33. Under tips cabby - Small penis
34. Uses toothpick - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything
35. Removable cassette player in car - Pulls out repeatedly during sex
36. Cellular phone in car - Penile implant
1. Woman won't unlock car door for man - Doesn't engage in oral sex
2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman - No foreplay
3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant - Prefers virgins
4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way - Is a virgin
5. Can't hail a cab - Impotent
6. Insists on going to a homely little cafe with windmill motif - Compulsive Don Quixote
7. Insists on going to a romantic candle-lit restaurant - Compulsive Don Juan
8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar - Compulsive Don Ho
9. Wants to go to a French restaurant - Will swallow
10. Wants to go to a deli - Won't swallow
11. Takes too long deciding what to order - Has trouble reaching orgasm
12. Orders salad dressing on the side - Will give you a hand job, but will not go "all the way"
13. Gives explicit orders to waiter - Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed
14. Asks for extra rolls - Will say she is using birth control when she's not, will get pregnant and sue
15. Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will have..." - Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't
16. Asks for "The Usual" - Insists on missionary position only
17. Asks what the specials are - Will want you to use handcuffs
18. Fills up on bread and crackers - Premature ejaculation
19. Doesn't finish everything on plate - Has already come
20. Insists on having some of whatever you ordered - Will make you sleep on the wet spot
21. Changes mind after ordering - Will never call you
22. Changes tables - Nymphomaniac
23. Drinks Decaffeinated. - Fakes Orgasm (Female)
24. Orders in French - Fakes Orgasm (Male)
25. Sends food back - Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, then try to borrow money
26. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts - Needs you to talk dirty during sex
27. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers - Wants a handjob
28. Orders a dessert involving nuts - Castrating Bitch
29. Wants to split dessert - Is dying to get rid of her apartment, move in with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all your baseball posters
30. Credit card is refused - Low sperm count
31. Under tips waiter - Small penis
32. Under tips parking valet - Small penis
33. Under tips cabby - Small penis
34. Uses toothpick - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything
35. Removable cassette player in car - Pulls out repeatedly during sex
36. Cellular phone in car - Penile implant
Sunday, April 22, 2007
How Not to get Laid
HOW TO NOT GET LAID..
Give people nicknames all the time.
Nobody fucking likes somebody that is always giving everybody nicknames. The worst is when some fucking asshole calls Scott "Scooter." Those guys NEVER get laid. They call people pal, buddy, and homeslice on a regular basis too. As soon as a girl hears you say these things, she'll put a padlock on her pussy.
Reclaim your virginity by starting an in-depth discussion of net neutrality.
Introduce yourself to people as somebody different every time you see them.
This works especially well with girls. There is no way to confuse a girl better than to tell her your name is Todd one day and Kevin the next. You're first instinct is going to be that confused girls are easy, but in reality this just makes them suspicious of your intentions. They'll never fuck you if they're suspicious.
Cut in front of people.
If you see a girl in line at the cafeteria, just cut in front of her. Make sure to say "xcuse me!" in a rude voice when you do. She'll be so mad that she probably won't even know what to say. When she sees you at a party the next day she'll inevitably turn to her friends and say, "That's the fucking asshole who cut in front of me yesterday." Nobody likes a fucking cutter.
Act like you're six.
Throw temper tantrums whenever you can. If you're in the elevator with a girl, insist on pushing the button. If she pushes it first, throw a fit, and exclaim how you wanted to push the button. Drink from a sippy cup whenever you can as well. Carry one around with you at all times. Take little bags of Cheerios to church with you and play with Matchbox cars in the pews.
Start rumors about people.
Nobody likes to have rumors going around about them. Tell people in confidence though, and act like it's a secret. If you just start blurting shit out, people will become suspicious of your motives or whether the rumors are even true. Pull people aside and tell them that a particular girl doesn't shave under her arms, or doesn't wash her hands after she goes to the bathroom. Don't make the rumor something absurd, nobody is going to believe that a girl fucked half the campus. Then again, maybe they might. Make sure you tell somebody that will reveal it was you who told them.
Tell people you banged girls you didn't.
Nothing travels faster than a claim like this. The girl and all her friends will find out about it almost immediately. I heard that news like this travels faster than light speed. It makes a jump into hyperspace just to reach people. Not only will you not get laid, but you'll probably get a slap in the face too. If you can, get it published in a newspaper. Buy some ad space and put it in there. You might get sued for slander, but you won't get laid.
Punch people in the face.
Invent your own language.
If girls can't understand you, they won't fuck you. This only works if you don't have a European accent though. Girls will fuck anything with a European accent. Make sure you speak with an American accent but make the words sound like you're from outer space or some shit—girls hate aliens. It's a fact, if you polled a hundred girls, none of them would fuck an alien.
Talk about computers.
Girls hate computers. Talk about hard drives and RAM whenever you can. Tell girls you're waiting to get your new motherboard in the mail and that you plan on over clocking your CPU when it gets in. Explain the difference between Rambus memory and DDR Memory as well as what a front side bus does. See, every girl reading this article has already stopped reading and gone to do something else.
Clog a girl's toilet.
This one is great. Not only will it disgust a girl, but it's fun too. If you're at her place, ask to use the restroom and take a monster dump. Make sure you use gigantic wads of toilet paper to wipe your ass too. Clog that shit up real bad and then don't flush. Then tell her you forgot you had a meeting with your lawyer and leave real quick. Also, if you can, break the plunger over your knee while you're in the bathroom. She'll be forced to use a coat hanger or something to unclog the toilet.
If you follow these guidelines, you'll be jacking off more often than any of your friends, only now you'll have a good reason.
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