Sunday, April 29, 2007
when it comes to dating...read hidden signs...
The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize - and decode - these KEY "SIGNS." Figuring out these moronic little indicators can save you a lot of time and effort.
1. Woman won't unlock car door for man - Doesn't engage in oral sex
2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman - No foreplay
3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant - Prefers virgins
4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way - Is a virgin
5. Can't hail a cab - Impotent
6. Insists on going to a homely little cafe with windmill motif - Compulsive Don Quixote
7. Insists on going to a romantic candle-lit restaurant - Compulsive Don Juan
8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar - Compulsive Don Ho
9. Wants to go to a French restaurant - Will swallow
10. Wants to go to a deli - Won't swallow
11. Takes too long deciding what to order - Has trouble reaching orgasm
12. Orders salad dressing on the side - Will give you a hand job, but will not go "all the way"
13. Gives explicit orders to waiter - Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed
14. Asks for extra rolls - Will say she is using birth control when she's not, will get pregnant and sue
15. Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will have..." - Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't
16. Asks for "The Usual" - Insists on missionary position only
17. Asks what the specials are - Will want you to use handcuffs
18. Fills up on bread and crackers - Premature ejaculation
19. Doesn't finish everything on plate - Has already come
20. Insists on having some of whatever you ordered - Will make you sleep on the wet spot
21. Changes mind after ordering - Will never call you
22. Changes tables - Nymphomaniac
23. Drinks Decaffeinated. - Fakes Orgasm (Female)
24. Orders in French - Fakes Orgasm (Male)
25. Sends food back - Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, then try to borrow money
26. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts - Needs you to talk dirty during sex
27. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers - Wants a handjob
28. Orders a dessert involving nuts - Castrating Bitch
29. Wants to split dessert - Is dying to get rid of her apartment, move in with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all your baseball posters
30. Credit card is refused - Low sperm count
31. Under tips waiter - Small penis
32. Under tips parking valet - Small penis
33. Under tips cabby - Small penis
34. Uses toothpick - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything
35. Removable cassette player in car - Pulls out repeatedly during sex
36. Cellular phone in car - Penile implant
1. Woman won't unlock car door for man - Doesn't engage in oral sex
2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman - No foreplay
3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant - Prefers virgins
4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way - Is a virgin
5. Can't hail a cab - Impotent
6. Insists on going to a homely little cafe with windmill motif - Compulsive Don Quixote
7. Insists on going to a romantic candle-lit restaurant - Compulsive Don Juan
8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar - Compulsive Don Ho
9. Wants to go to a French restaurant - Will swallow
10. Wants to go to a deli - Won't swallow
11. Takes too long deciding what to order - Has trouble reaching orgasm
12. Orders salad dressing on the side - Will give you a hand job, but will not go "all the way"
13. Gives explicit orders to waiter - Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed
14. Asks for extra rolls - Will say she is using birth control when she's not, will get pregnant and sue
15. Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will have..." - Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't
16. Asks for "The Usual" - Insists on missionary position only
17. Asks what the specials are - Will want you to use handcuffs
18. Fills up on bread and crackers - Premature ejaculation
19. Doesn't finish everything on plate - Has already come
20. Insists on having some of whatever you ordered - Will make you sleep on the wet spot
21. Changes mind after ordering - Will never call you
22. Changes tables - Nymphomaniac
23. Drinks Decaffeinated. - Fakes Orgasm (Female)
24. Orders in French - Fakes Orgasm (Male)
25. Sends food back - Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, then try to borrow money
26. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts - Needs you to talk dirty during sex
27. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers - Wants a handjob
28. Orders a dessert involving nuts - Castrating Bitch
29. Wants to split dessert - Is dying to get rid of her apartment, move in with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all your baseball posters
30. Credit card is refused - Low sperm count
31. Under tips waiter - Small penis
32. Under tips parking valet - Small penis
33. Under tips cabby - Small penis
34. Uses toothpick - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything
35. Removable cassette player in car - Pulls out repeatedly during sex
36. Cellular phone in car - Penile implant
Sunday, April 22, 2007
How Not to get Laid
HOW TO NOT GET LAID..
Give people nicknames all the time.
Nobody fucking likes somebody that is always giving everybody nicknames. The worst is when some fucking asshole calls Scott "Scooter." Those guys NEVER get laid. They call people pal, buddy, and homeslice on a regular basis too. As soon as a girl hears you say these things, she'll put a padlock on her pussy.
Reclaim your virginity by starting an in-depth discussion of net neutrality.
Introduce yourself to people as somebody different every time you see them.
This works especially well with girls. There is no way to confuse a girl better than to tell her your name is Todd one day and Kevin the next. You're first instinct is going to be that confused girls are easy, but in reality this just makes them suspicious of your intentions. They'll never fuck you if they're suspicious.
Cut in front of people.
If you see a girl in line at the cafeteria, just cut in front of her. Make sure to say "xcuse me!" in a rude voice when you do. She'll be so mad that she probably won't even know what to say. When she sees you at a party the next day she'll inevitably turn to her friends and say, "That's the fucking asshole who cut in front of me yesterday." Nobody likes a fucking cutter.
Act like you're six.
Throw temper tantrums whenever you can. If you're in the elevator with a girl, insist on pushing the button. If she pushes it first, throw a fit, and exclaim how you wanted to push the button. Drink from a sippy cup whenever you can as well. Carry one around with you at all times. Take little bags of Cheerios to church with you and play with Matchbox cars in the pews.
Start rumors about people.
Nobody likes to have rumors going around about them. Tell people in confidence though, and act like it's a secret. If you just start blurting shit out, people will become suspicious of your motives or whether the rumors are even true. Pull people aside and tell them that a particular girl doesn't shave under her arms, or doesn't wash her hands after she goes to the bathroom. Don't make the rumor something absurd, nobody is going to believe that a girl fucked half the campus. Then again, maybe they might. Make sure you tell somebody that will reveal it was you who told them.
Tell people you banged girls you didn't.
Nothing travels faster than a claim like this. The girl and all her friends will find out about it almost immediately. I heard that news like this travels faster than light speed. It makes a jump into hyperspace just to reach people. Not only will you not get laid, but you'll probably get a slap in the face too. If you can, get it published in a newspaper. Buy some ad space and put it in there. You might get sued for slander, but you won't get laid.
Punch people in the face.
Invent your own language.
If girls can't understand you, they won't fuck you. This only works if you don't have a European accent though. Girls will fuck anything with a European accent. Make sure you speak with an American accent but make the words sound like you're from outer space or some shit—girls hate aliens. It's a fact, if you polled a hundred girls, none of them would fuck an alien.
Talk about computers.
Girls hate computers. Talk about hard drives and RAM whenever you can. Tell girls you're waiting to get your new motherboard in the mail and that you plan on over clocking your CPU when it gets in. Explain the difference between Rambus memory and DDR Memory as well as what a front side bus does. See, every girl reading this article has already stopped reading and gone to do something else.
Clog a girl's toilet.
This one is great. Not only will it disgust a girl, but it's fun too. If you're at her place, ask to use the restroom and take a monster dump. Make sure you use gigantic wads of toilet paper to wipe your ass too. Clog that shit up real bad and then don't flush. Then tell her you forgot you had a meeting with your lawyer and leave real quick. Also, if you can, break the plunger over your knee while you're in the bathroom. She'll be forced to use a coat hanger or something to unclog the toilet.
If you follow these guidelines, you'll be jacking off more often than any of your friends, only now you'll have a good reason.
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